A different path...

Did you ever take a few steps without knowing where you were going? And then a few more steps... without thinking? And next thing you know, you're on a different path than you ever thought you would be...

We look at those around us with judgemental eyes, disdainful smiles and disappointed minds... thinking "what are they doing?" But do we know what we're doing? Do we know where we're going?

Perhaps the time has come to choose blissful ignorance rather than a lifetime of painful and unfruitful searching...perhaps the time has come to choose the people who want happiness rather than complexity...perhaps the time has come to choose something...rather than fall for anything...

The end of the world as we know it...

It's been more than a month since my world was shattered into a million miniscule pieces... more than a month since the centre of my universe was violently and suddenly, yet peacefully and expectedly, taken away from me. I feel numb and yet feel a thousand emotions at the same time. I feel sad, melancholy, angry and scared all day. I feel like my life has no meaning, like none of our lives have a meaning...if the most loving, generous, caring, kind, wonderful, impactful person I have ever known no longer exists, just like that, and the world goes on as normal, then what is the point of any of us being any of those things? I dream of my mom and I awake feeling desperately sad and alone, wishing that I too could be dead, either to be where she is or to cease to exist so that I don't have to feel this way any longer. I want to sleep forever so that I can see her in my dreams, hug her, talk to her, laugh with her. It's unfair that she's gone, at the age of 48, when there are so many people who really don't want to be here anymore. It's unfair that I had an amazing mom, who lived for her family and loved like no other, and now she's gone and somehow the three of us that remain have to go on. I want to go on to escape this misery, but will escaping this misery mean I'm leaving her behind...forgetting her? Why would God or whoever is in charge give us this amazing being, only to take her away and cause us so much pain? How do I rejoin the world when my world is gone? I don't see colours anymore...all I see is grey and I don't know how to face another day...

"Who cares...I mean in 50 years men are gonna be obsolete anyways"

So it's just another wintery Wednesday night...home in bed, PJ's on, poodle snuggling, watching Sex and the City reruns...and this line pops up out of nowhere (well...out of the mouth of feisty, fire-maned Miranda)...and it got me thinking...

I mean, these days women earn their own money, fix their own cars, have the option of conceiving children without a man present...so what is it about the male species that we so crave/desire/long for? Boyfriends are great fun, don't get me wrong, but what is it that makes one crave them when they clearly have no interest in being around everyday...if they don't need our company on a daily basis, why do we need theirs? Why do days apart feel like years, and days together feel like hours? Why do they consume our thoughts; their every action, word and drunken slur subjected to hours of analysis, cross-examination and drill-downs involving as many ears as will listen?

I don't have the answer yet, but the Sherlock Holmes in me is most definitely on a mission to find out what makes his company my drug and why with every fix, however uneventful, I yearn for more...

Letter to my 20 year old self...

Dear, sweet, naive 20 year old me...

We are now nearing the end of our twenties...one glorious year left! So I thought I'd take the time to take stock and tell you the things I wish we'd known nearly a decade ago...

1. It's OK to make mistakes...

Mistakes give us experience. They show us who we don't want to be, which in turn tells us who we DO want to be. Mistakes let others know we don't have it all together. When they know we don't have it all together, they expect less, and we fear disappointing them less. This gives us freedom to become who we were meant to be a lot sooner in life.

2. We don't have to wait for the perfect guy to start dating...

There's no such thing as the perfect guy...or the perfect relationship...or the perfect anything. Having fun and going on dates doesn't make us "easy" or bad...it all just adds to experience, and prepares us for the future. The future is tough...but keeping things in perspective gets us through. If they were strangers before, they can be strangers once more.

3. Love is not "Mr.Right"...

Love is being happy when you look in the mirror. Love is accepting your imperfections and knowing that the longest relationship you will ever have is with yourself, so you'd best get to loving you! Love is the puppy who licks your face after you've left him alone all day. Love is the parents who fork out hundreds of thousands of rands to give you the best education and a chance in life, only to fork out thousands more when you're 28 to allow you to follow your dreams. So love is not just having someone to spend the 14th of February with. Love is, actually, all around us...

4. The sooner you follow your dreams, the better...

Everything that has happened in life thus far has brought us to where we are now. But there is nothing wrong with following the dreams you've had since you were 12, rather than the dreams other people had for you or your generation. When you know your talents, nurture them, push them and live the best life for you.

5. Enjoy EVERY experience...

Most importantly, enjoy every phase of this fleeting life. One minute you're a teenager with not a care in the world but the report card not being up to scratch, and before you know it you're turning 29 and have nothing to show for your time but a few travels and a degree. Don't stress about what's to come, enjoy what's here, now. Before you know it, it will be a decade later and you'll be wishing you could go back and enjoy every experience with the naievety of the inexperienced 20 year old you once were.