Single and not good enough to mingle?

This week I am turning 34. It seems that the birthday week bringing with it an overwhelming sense of panic as well as an insatiable need for evaluation and contemplation, has become standard practice in my life. So, as per usual, I've been thinking about where I am in my life, and how much closer I am to having all the things I have ever wanted. Turns out, not that close.

Growing up, I had always thought that I would be married at 28 ,with my first kid on the way around 30-31 years old. When those hopes and dreams started to look like nothing more than a mirage in the desert, I changed my plan. I had hoped that if I were to ever start a family and have kids of my own, I would have my first kid by age 34. Well, that looks like a pipe dream right about now. To further worsen these feelings of inadequacy, this week someone sent me a 42 minute video on TD Jakes speaking about being single. FORTY TWO minutes about the single life. It was almost as torturous as the idea of being a first-time bride at age 42...almost. But here's why I don't think Bishop/Pastor/Reverend TD Jakes, or anyone else who is married, should lecture single people on the single life.

1. Don't be a hypocrite:
TD Jakes advises that people should stay single until they are whole and complete as an individual...ummm...didn't TD Jakes get married at 24? Is he telling me that he was more complete and whole at 24 than me at 34??? Most of the people advising us singletons say "Be a complete individual who doesn't need someone to complete you"...and most of them were miraculously "complete and whole" before the age of 30.

2. Don't give advice based on theory:
I don't know one married person who would take advice from a single person on how to be married...so WHY on earth should we be taking advice on how to be single in our thirties, from those who were wed in their twenties??? Speak on what you know from experience and it will carry more weight.

3. Don't underestimate my "completeness":
TD Jakes mentioned it in this video but I have read this in so many articles written for people who are single in their 30's; "become a complete/whole individual before thinking about finding someone" or "people will be more attracted to you if you are a whole and complete individual". That's a great sentiment, but here is the reality: I, like so many other single women in their 30's, pay my own bills, have a great job that I am fairly good at, have other interests/pursuits/hobbies such as singing, recording music etc., cook, keep a clean and orderly house, take care of my pets like they are my children, make time for friends and family and have many other things that didn't make the grade to be specified on this list, but most certainly happen in my life. How much more "whole" or "complete" would you like me to be? Should I be graduating with a post-doctoral fellowship in Neurological Science before I am considered worthy of looking for a husband? And if so, where's yours?

4. Don't judge me for wanting love:
Wanting a life partner to share and build and grow with in love doesn't make me lonely, or sad, or a loser. It makes me human. Every one of us needs, wants and craves a source of love in our lives that is tangible. And that's ok. And it doesn't make us less of a person. If I were to follow this logic, I would conclude that all married people are losers, because they needed someone else to complete them. That isn't true and neither is the converse.

So please, as a service to the general public, the next time you want to make someone feel good about their single life, DON'T! Life is tough enough without people telling us we're not even good enough to want or look for love, let alone good enough to find and keep it.