Single and not good enough to mingle?

This week I am turning 34. It seems that the birthday week bringing with it an overwhelming sense of panic as well as an insatiable need for evaluation and contemplation, has become standard practice in my life. So, as per usual, I've been thinking about where I am in my life, and how much closer I am to having all the things I have ever wanted. Turns out, not that close.

Growing up, I had always thought that I would be married at 28 ,with my first kid on the way around 30-31 years old. When those hopes and dreams started to look like nothing more than a mirage in the desert, I changed my plan. I had hoped that if I were to ever start a family and have kids of my own, I would have my first kid by age 34. Well, that looks like a pipe dream right about now. To further worsen these feelings of inadequacy, this week someone sent me a 42 minute video on TD Jakes speaking about being single. FORTY TWO minutes about the single life. It was almost as torturous as the idea of being a first-time bride at age 42...almost. But here's why I don't think Bishop/Pastor/Reverend TD Jakes, or anyone else who is married, should lecture single people on the single life.

1. Don't be a hypocrite:
TD Jakes advises that people should stay single until they are whole and complete as an individual...ummm...didn't TD Jakes get married at 24? Is he telling me that he was more complete and whole at 24 than me at 34??? Most of the people advising us singletons say "Be a complete individual who doesn't need someone to complete you"...and most of them were miraculously "complete and whole" before the age of 30.

2. Don't give advice based on theory:
I don't know one married person who would take advice from a single person on how to be married...so WHY on earth should we be taking advice on how to be single in our thirties, from those who were wed in their twenties??? Speak on what you know from experience and it will carry more weight.

3. Don't underestimate my "completeness":
TD Jakes mentioned it in this video but I have read this in so many articles written for people who are single in their 30's; "become a complete/whole individual before thinking about finding someone" or "people will be more attracted to you if you are a whole and complete individual". That's a great sentiment, but here is the reality: I, like so many other single women in their 30's, pay my own bills, have a great job that I am fairly good at, have other interests/pursuits/hobbies such as singing, recording music etc., cook, keep a clean and orderly house, take care of my pets like they are my children, make time for friends and family and have many other things that didn't make the grade to be specified on this list, but most certainly happen in my life. How much more "whole" or "complete" would you like me to be? Should I be graduating with a post-doctoral fellowship in Neurological Science before I am considered worthy of looking for a husband? And if so, where's yours?

4. Don't judge me for wanting love:
Wanting a life partner to share and build and grow with in love doesn't make me lonely, or sad, or a loser. It makes me human. Every one of us needs, wants and craves a source of love in our lives that is tangible. And that's ok. And it doesn't make us less of a person. If I were to follow this logic, I would conclude that all married people are losers, because they needed someone else to complete them. That isn't true and neither is the converse.

So please, as a service to the general public, the next time you want to make someone feel good about their single life, DON'T! Life is tough enough without people telling us we're not even good enough to want or look for love, let alone good enough to find and keep it.

How to fall in love with your lonely life

This post is for all the beautiful, talented, got-their-s#%@-together, responsible, 30-something single girls (and  guys) out there. Because I am female, I write from a feminine perspective, but I hope this post is relatable irrespective of gender. I've been reading a lot lately about creating the reality you want. I definitely believe that the Universe reciprocates positive energy and God responds to our faith. But I also know how tough it can be to remember all the nuggets found in all the self-improvement literature we've devoured and vociferously advocated all week, in that moment on a Friday night or Saturday morning when we find ourselves all alone in the world. And while we may have a wonderful social circle, friends and family who love us and the cutest puppy on the entire planet as our constant and consistent cuddle-buddy, in those moments of weakness, all this pales in comparison to our looming loneliness for eternity (I'm sure I'm not the only one who gets this dramatic about my feelings)!

Your best girlfriends are usually taking their kids to Tennis or Ballet on a Saturday morning, your younger siblings are off on another carefree adventure, your closest cousins are coupled off and as such doing "couply" things and you find yourself wondering why you didn't give that guy who texts you everyday just to tell you what day of the week it is a chance to woo you (the reason you didn't is because there was no chemistry and you refuse to settle for a guy who may run out of conversational topics within the first two days of an entire life together). You think about texting the guy you're "having fun with - nothing serious", but then you remember there is NOTHING FUN about not hearing from him every Friday night...so your pride gets the better of you.

Well, here's how you fall in love with your lonely life:

1. CREATE A SANCTUARY
Your home is just that, yours. Decorate it your way. Fill it with the scents, sights and sounds that YOU love. Scented candles, luxurious linen, music that soothes the soul.

2. PLAY HOST EVEN WHEN NO-ONE IS VISITING
We're all great hosts/hostesses when we have guests over. We cook delicious meals, lay out elaborate snack spreads and even break out the "good wine". But when we're alone it just seems like it isn't worth the effort. Well it is. So make yourself that delicious meal, set out a platter of snacks and pour yourself a glass of the good wine. Because, you're worth it!

3. ENJOY THE SWEET PLEASURE OF NOTHINGNESS
Do nothing, all day. Lie in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, with nowhere to be and no-one to see. Run a bubble bath, pour some wine and listen to the best of Kenny G (that's my bath-time ritual - you may prefer a different musical selection), re-filling the tub with hot water when necessary and feeling the tension leave your body, with no-one calling out your name or asking you what time dinner will be ready.

4. RE-IGNITE YOUR INNER ROMANTIC

Watch the movies you love, those old movies that no significant other ever wanted to watch with you on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Queue up some favourites (some of mine are Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Way We Were, When Harry Met Sally) and enjoy an entire bowl of butter popcorn all to yourself as you swoon over the likes of Robert Redford and George Peppard, lamenting the fact that they "just don't make them like that anymore" (the movies or the men)!

5. FIND YOUR JOIE-DE-VIVRE
Put on some banging club tunes and unleash your inner Missy Elliott, or walk like an Egyptian to the sounds of the '80's. Dance like no-one is watching, 'cos there is literally NO-ONE watching (except aforementioned cute puppy).

6. RE-DISCOVER YOUR INNER CHILD
Sit outside, on a blanket, in the sun (with some SPF 50 on), enjoying the sounds of nature as you lose yourself in a colouring book...for a few hours...with nothing to worry about but what colour you will use next.

7. FEED YOUR MIND
Spend the entire day reading a bestseller that no-one else you know has had the time to read yet. Or re-read your old favourites (The Queen & I, Jane Eyre, Mansfield Park, the list really is endless). Reading is a way to travel, without leaving the comfort of home.

8. BINGE-WATCH ANYTHING YOU WANT
I once spent an entire weekend watching Tupac documentaries. Every single one I could find. Because my time is my own. And I can indulge my theories devoid of judgement.

9. BROWSE THE INTERNET WITH NO SPECIFIC RESEARCH SUBJECT IN MIND
Let your clicks take on a mind of their own...jump from one article to the next, getting lost in the wealth of information, imagery and entertainment (sometimes mindless drivel) readily available online. You may even stumble upon something interesting that you might love, like this blog!

10. DRESS UP, OR DRESS DOWN
Put on your fanciest satin lingerie and lie around with a rich avocado mask on your face, eating junk-food and sipping on frozen margaritas. Or veg in your most comfy sweats (you know the ones with the whole in the crotch that you just haven't gotten round to mending yet), quenching your thirst with champagne. There is no-one around to judge you or make you feel less than perfect for your choices.

We have this one life. And it's beautiful, and amazing, and indulgent, and sad, and everything in between. No-one walks the same path as you. You decide how to live your life, but do you really want to spend it waiting for a text back?